i was sick for a week. not sure because of stress or just weakness . cause after 11-2-26 im not sure what i have done its 24 today. now i dont like to work , no interest in anything, no confidence in project even though i build, one good thing i did on monday is gave presentatiion, whats good . well umm it was last day for presentation and we formed group on 12:56 in lunch and prepared script and ppt (ai generated and faked it scroll cause it has no content ) and also we know nothing of the presentation so we just asked gpt to create script for us and i go through it and read it , obviously i need to understood first what i have to say. so everything ended in 1:56 we gave at very last presentation. i dont wana do anything , anything at all , no project, no song , no interest no nothing even i dont want to write this or send this to u. im stressed about job and internship , im 26 my friends got internship and i got none and i dont even want to apply for internship . i want to do nothing i dont want to talk , i dont want to be friend with anyone , i have no desire no nothing , no desire at all, no porn no music, no self loathing , no project , no clg syllabus , sessional exam in week. i feel like im sabotaging , i idk why i dont want to apply for internship or do project, or study. im wasting time a lot a lot , like look from 11 to 24 its so idk whats happening i want to feel good , or maybe i just want to feel , i see no point in talking to friends making joke or laughing, or taking class , i so no point in anything, dont want to go for walk ,dont want to do anythin anything at all.
things that i have done in past feels pointlesss like making friend in clg, like making project , everything feels cringe and the voice says no point , not sure what feeling i have like like burned hand and burned body feeling feeling like even walking feels pain but i dont feel pain physically , i feel emotional pain like burned and not sure what i want to say.
https://youtu.be/r4aWc5OWOEc
i want to share this post where the video shows the pain and suffring subaru from rezero goes through i want to post as whatsapp but i feel cringe , but i feel no point cause even if someone sees it they ... very few may going to like it , and others just not going to give fuk. i want to tell that i m a loser just like suabru, always worried about how they see me how they judge me if they accept me even though i live with this mask of someone who is careless carefree chill and not sure what and how they see me no idea, and if im going to ask them they most likely they never bothered to think about it i guess.
actually im back to work , but vvery little thats how i manage to even send this otherwise im just skipping days. btw why i dont feel good?? i achieved i survived unthinkable yet i have no identity other than a survivor and others dont romanticise this survival like i do. i like my survival my battle my scars my wound my past my shity past , its my pride but u know pride does not bost confidence or ego , its just a fragile ego bost thats it . others see suffring as suffring i guess they see it as bad thing where as for me its the bench mark of warior , its the standard that someone is refined someone is better someone who survived the theory of evolution. am i wrong ? if so then upto what extends?
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