Chronological sequence of the key events you provided:
2019
28 Aug 2019 — Missed college admission due to lack of ₹50,000.
2020
4 Jan 2020 — Mother’s first episode of paranoia.
23 Aug 2020 — Mother shows mild paranoid symptoms; you enter depressive phase.
2021
3 Jan 2021 — Mother’s second relapse; full disconnection temporarily before recovery.
26 Jan 2021 — Early symptoms in sister (back pain, numbness).
27 Mar 2021 — Sister diagnosed with spinal cord spondylitis.
2023
Nov 2023 — You ended relationship with your cousin.
2024–2025 (background conditions, no exact dates)
Long-term extreme poverty phase: frequent relocation, extended stay in tent-like shelter situation.
Ongoing unstable family environment (father neglect, emotional invalidation at home).
Mother previously experienced schizophrenia-related episodes but later recovered.
Oct 2025
You learned about severe past incidents involving your mother during psychotic episodes (attempted harm toward sister, including kerosene and physical assault incidents).
2025 (additional internal psychological/insight period)
Recognition of major psychological patterns: CPTSD traits, dissociation, emotional suppression, hyper-independence, learned helplessness, etc.
Identification of specific trigger pattern with father (responsibility + invalidation loop).
Noted emergence of a “control mode” under severe stress.
Me got caught standing near my sister .Mom woke up. U know my past, room was dark and she sleeps with sis . All in same room. My bed is near sis mom bed. Sis mom together where as i sleep alone on bed plus a very lil gap between like 4feet. Mom saw only standing and i just stook there frooze.
Well she caught me as kid with her . And recently 20day ago she also blammed me for being innappropriate. And today right now mom called sis whore , me a whore . And also said i didt go to any slut cause that costed money and to save money i did with sis. Thats what she said right now
i was fixing her cloth and then she woke up i froze and stood there . And she said all this. Plus also she came towads me and said u want then take mine tried undressing herself and me and sis. I stopped her hands by grabbing them
She already decided so no point in anything. She sleeping now . But if she wakes going to continue same what i can do
But finally she told me what she think of us. Nice. she said everything , like she turned every normal interaction into incest and shit
very vague but mom said things like i dont remember order
like "mahiyar gae the wana bhi tumlog....... "
"mai pareshan ho gae hu dekhte dekhte nahane jau to idhr gate band , window band... husband wife se bhi gae gujre ho"
"called her whore and put allegation cause she go outside for walk cycling etc sometimes at night"
"10 ruppee k liye chal deti h calling her whore" cause we go for walk
"kaise mana karegi usko bhi to maja jo ata h"
"called me whore , pta nhi bahar kyu nhi gand maraata h ghr me hi tera baap kam se kam bahar gand marata h"
"bahar kaise jaega gand marane usme to paisa lagega, duniya dekhe ho tab na "
"u want i will give u whatever u want however u want " trying to undress herself , me and then she pulled sis pants and then she woke up
Tomorrow mornin she acting normal as if nothing happened and nothing happened
voices in head says sit with pain thats what u deserve. I moved my bed to another room, mom denied but i moved
I dont want to silent voices , those negative voice help me work. Im feeling something like i have to force open my eyes wide and keep eyebrows up idk what this is. And im sesitive to light nd sound. Feels like shell shock 1000yard shit but it was not that much. I think its disociation.
Its been 2days everything went to normal, as if nothing happend. But something wrong with me, as if im too scared to express anything, any facial expression, im keeping this poker face. Im too stunted iguess. I see people living life i just too scared of everything .
I used to have droid85 persona but even that too shocked
U know whts the difference between this incident and anything else. It shattered the image of a saviour , im no saviour i did thing that helped me .. im no saviour of mom, no saviour to sis. My whole identity build around how i survived tent poverty hoarded clg fee help in house construction, sometimes sis school fee rent , how i survived mom paranoia stroke sis paraplegia etc etc . But the recent event broke shattrd the image instead im now no different from a selfish self centered pervert sex addict
why im not scared , im 26. why im not shaking and scared like a child does
nah the saviour , is gone my whole identity was my trauma but mother showed me who i am. and its been5days im still ok i guess no shake no cry nothing. mom ripped away my whole identity now im standing here naked and lost and "who am i" cause trauma was my identity but thats gone too.
i used to relate to subaru rezero pain videos, the lap pillow scene, the self-hate monologue i related to every word of it . but now its all gone
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