well if im in pain or going through shit then i dont want other people to be happy it stings like i kinda hate that other people having fun living normal life i just hate it , that include specifically my gf. why i m like this. how i can fix this
"If my house is on fire, then I want the whole world to burn with it."
the above quote that is mine explains a lot how i think.
i dont want to lash out , manipulate, but the suffering is never ending i missed so much and even today im missing so much, im lagging behind , work is pilling up, and life is slipping away, by the time i build stability my life will be gone . the time will be gone and when ever i see people around same age or younger and then i compare all i see is suffering pain and the bad memories when i look back or when or if someone ask me how was the past i have no good memory no nothing nothing was normal just pain only pain so what do i tell them, i cant tell then the truth. cant tell that i lived a decade in a fuking tent at maternal grandma house, while u complain of not having AC i used to drink boiling water in summer and the tent was burning like hell. what do i tell them ? that after finishing school i didnt got into clg because i didnt even had 50k for my clg fee, and in that same year at around December when i was 19 mom became schizo paranoid hearing voices and then i spend like idk 1-1.5year in this shit , i thought shifting from tent and moving in rented room for which i helped pay father rent cause he just suck, and even then when i thought everything is going ok then my sis got sick, she became paraplegic cause everyone busy after mom and in that mean time i kinda entirely overlooked my lil sis , and when she started showing early signs of spondylitis (paraplegic, numbness in feet, frequent fall while walking) then we went on walk then i came to know that mom when paranoid tried to kill my sis twice and i thought she just being ignorant but no she was just terrified lil child . i was so wrong i failed , i failed to protect i failed to protect anyone, i failed . all i see is how i failed at every step that i take to protect to work to fix but no matter what do i do i fail each time and things dont change. i tried i tried tutoring, i tried to build app and these two helped in finance i horded money for clg got into clg doing btech , sis is ok now , mom is ok now, we got a home for which i paid some amount of money but even all this shit . all i see is what i missed what about me , i didnt asked or signed up for this , it was just pure luck that in covid app blew up and i earned a descent amount of money but even the app is gone and i no longer tutoring so i have very lil to no money. and sis is doing btech in happy for her , she doing better than me she getting scholarship , im happy for her . i have nothing to say anymore maybe some other day.
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