nah we always been like this , grow up poor. no support emotionally and no , both parent busy one female, emotionally unavailable, father absent . even i worked my way to get into clg and pay sis fee sometimes , sometimes rent. so we dont grow up normal result we have no one other than each other.
now she telling me that our father left us the moment he find out about the us, since then he married to someone , and mom asked for land so he buyed a land and now that he given us the land, he has nothing to do now so he can leave and stay with other woman .
but then how come its true, like it does not make sense. cause he lives with us all the time if he really married someone why he living with us all the time does not even leave for any night. or maybe he just leave after clg is over too and me and sis get job maybe then . i dont trust mom cause u know she had a history of paranoia but it is also true that father had extra marital affair not sure about present though.
its not the first time she blaming me for the bad things. she does this all the time . mom goes like oh i did so many sacrifices , yes she did but does she really have to , arent there other ways she could have done things differently without entirely sacrificing whole life in raising kids. and even then u fail u failed so badly cause look at us ,me and sis . there is no much wrong with us ...... nvm talk of this later.
as teenager growing up, basically for my whole life i beat myself over for that , that mom had to leave paternal house for us, for our future, but then they shifted us in tent on maternal grand parent house. i thought it was my fault that they left, and she telling me father was absent, didnt paid school fee, didnt feed us, starved us , took away the opportunity of higher education because well u know all my fault , cause everyone else is sacrificing for us , and we are the bad children, my bad im the bad one.
no thats what she says and claims, it took loong time to overcome self hate, i used to beat myself over it, the voices are less now . and i clearly see through her manipulation
but she( mother) not entirely wrong cause i do think im a monster,i manipulate, take advantage, and i clearly see through her manipulation, lies. it is also not wrong that father have extra marital affair, and im not shocked cause first time i heard about this from my friend and that time i was kind of suspicious from before that , but then i still managed to convince that what my friend heard was wrong. but i knew deep down that possibility of that is very true.
fast forward to today and mother told herself. btw when she describing i felt helplessness in the description , cause she goes like "he did it cause he thought what she can do about it" i mean it is kinda true cause she just a house wife and when that extra marital thing happened i maybe in clg or after clg but i was maybe earning by teaching so it was not like she was entirely helpless she could have kicked him out, complained to their brothers (what they could have done idk, and i kinda expect no help from there ) but still i always think that we could have done something idk what but we could have .
btw idk but this chaos feels idk funny, cause im enjoying lil bit, but .......... oh shit oh shit tears coming ,im holding it back im bottling it up cant process it right now maybe in night. btw i was thinking to leave home for just tonight and spend night in some park and come home in morning how i convince my family should i tell mom that i want to spend time outside like a homeless person for just tonight or should i lie and say that im going to my friends house and spend the night there. but then leaving sis with her is not safe either.
btw mom she only guessed on the basis of what mom seen that time while coming out from bathroom . actually at that time i was only playfully teasing touching biting imouto, but mom sees it and then after idk some time she came and i was sleeping, she slapped me and woke me up and drama begins. basically i asked after that what and when i did what, then i came to know she knows nothing , only guessing so i took the benefit of doubt and only accepted that i was touching her and when she tried escalating(asking why) i left with no explanation after that acted normal also asked if father going to come home today or not (well cause she said he left us) and i also said that in 1month i will look for job . im eating food things normal now. but as she was a previously a paranoid person this peace only going to last while father at home and at evening interrogation will begin again with me and with sis too i guess. so i focused on food cause who knows if im going to get that later or not, i said same to imouto to eat cause u never knew.
next day:
nothin happened in evening and nothing happening everything is normal but i dont trust mom, cause she going to bring this up again not tomorrow but when she wants to use it against me or us.
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