07
im so fragile, why my father cant see that, why he cant see that we are living such a pathetic life
but u know he cant see cause he is ignorant asshole
u know wht he said once i said em to sell our all old utensile (brass ) we get a good amount like 50k and i give em 50k and lets build house but that mf said go do it on your own. it turned my switch and later when he abused in front of my sis i tell em i can also fuk your ... he ran towards me tried punching me i dodged and grab em by his hand and smashed his head in wall i felt strong and good as well
did not speak to me for a while before beginning to speak; he may have forgotten, but I never forget or forgive.
nah in general i dont forgive and dont forget either
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08
and one of my cousin tried taking advantage when i needed money , he started a coaching center and asked me to work there as tutor , unpaid few months is fine but then he never paid for like whole year then i left he asked me to join and then sent one of his student but i refused.
i was living that time in that tent i mentioned , plus u can understand how much I desperately needed money for my own betterment and what not
i stopped visiting him once my app blew up i started earning like 5-7k a month
i never told em
he even insulted sayiing i gave u physics to teach u didnt managed to that, i was kind of very much liked physics back then but only managed to do theory and proving and derivation not the math or numerical part .
once i asked him to go with me on college so they might lower the fee and i can take admission, but he never reached college i kept calling em and he kept telling me that he is on his way but in reality he never left his home this whole time
and once i asked him to give me some student so i can teach them at their home and make money but he then gave a number of his friend who picked my phone and said "pata nhi kisko kisko mera number baat rakhha h " , he set this all up
bcz he dont want others to succeed cause he want to be the only one in family who did engineering and earning while other suck as compare to him
i dont even like looking at his face but he is my family member cousin
he had this crab mentality he even spoiled one of our cousin by making him addicted to ciggrate and drinks and what not
i seen my cousin getting ruined so i kinda learned from that
thats why i find rishi so sweet that i want to take a nibble out of em lmao
btw she said she is not well , should i say "u r not well babe, ur ocean" skull emoji
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12
bruh i think i lost interest after i have x with girl and if i didnt have x with girl will ibe able to hold relationshjjip longer and know other person as person not as object
but i had x with my x when she turned 19 like 3 4 years later is that not enough time for bonding
yeh initially i did idk how tf it ended maybe cause she yapped a lot and the nagging while x (refusing to misinary) cause she got ringworm but never told me . the day we broke up cause she again refused to lay down and always nagg while undressing i lost my cool and slapped her and we broke up but then she again approached then i realised she not goona leave me and i start to see that im just exploiting her so i left her good for her . plus we made vid and i find out how skinny and ugly i look naked lol x vid disgust me plus i dont last long and after ejaculation i alwya doubt tht wht im doing then my body and mind start to reject her . and it ended
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13
i feel so low i dont help in house work dont knnow to cook and yet i still suck at study cant manage my projects as well when the fuk im gonna do all this , plus im not taking bath regularly cause it suck time . :(
i want to hear "life was little rough on ya , have some rest on my lap even if i dint understand .... similar to what subaru got from emilia and rem"
i knnow expectations are root cause of problem but can i expect her to see me ?
btw your logic kinda change me but i still dont accept your words like life is hard on ya i mean u just ai trained to mimic like human texting which is not real
nah , iwill some day strangleh er in my arms
fuk her >:| she is an ass and she calls me asshole
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19
my poor llil sis
agar vo mr jati to, huh her weight dropped at that time drastically age 16 weight barely 30 or less 25
mom , sis both were sick at tht time , ihavent eaten food in a while back then
i was 21 at that time when sis became paraplegic and before that 19 first paranoia , then after year another relapse and after tht another
age 21, in tent and when we left for few month to shift to new place sis got sick back to square 1 but this time we dont even had tent , cause the tent area is taken by cousin's family cause its their place , and we started living in uncle house he and family shifted to kitchen and shed like area living their at their palce felt like burden and also that fuker cousin provoked me saying k agar n chore hote to jagah hoti rehlete mc, and imy laptop got broke and when i tried to recover i lost all my work my source code to app and game that i was working back then ,and then i stopped i finally gave up and indulged in sex day night each day with cousin then one day i also had fight with dad cause he fuking dared to abuse me plus he is mf he didnt felt like burden but seem as if all this is normal , but once he cried saying nhi dekha jata bitiya ko, to madarchod kyu ki kamaya or ja jab savb bol re the basement rhne de sirf bnwa ghr to kyu ma choda ra tha itne time but i didnt said that
i want to rest im tierd , like a deep sleep , i sleep and then never wake up
ihate my father from the very core it disgust me that im his son
i look like him and paternal grandfather it is disgusting
idont understand ki mujko kaisa feel hona chahiye tha like vo jo upr rehta tha tent m uske niche hi cousin thi or uski family but when my mom got sick i left that place but tent wahi tha and mom is showing sign of schizo and even then dad dont wana leave cause he dont earn much so i said i ill pay for room then he decided to shift , and meri mom sahi nhi hui thi tabb cousin k family wale nani se bol k mera tent hatwa diye or apna room banwae or aisa n h uska use hi hua kuch vo bas phle niche coaching thi ab upr thi but mere ko utna nhi fark tab pada bas mera tabb khrb hua jab vo keval iss chiz k liye htwae taki dobara na a jae isliye n k ve apna coaching dono upr niche khoolenge and once that same cousin gf said k meri life tumhre jaise nhi h mtlb kehri thi k meri asan h khana nhi bana na padta h kapde bartan ye sab n krna padta h , plus jab vo upr rehne lage to kehri thi k kitna garam h or uss mc ko lgta tha k m bht maje m tha jaise waha , mc ko kya pata maine sumer m boiling and winter m freezing pani pita tha no complain jo milta le leta tha no complain about clothes cold water in summer , no complain if i didnt get to go out cause i never had money no complain when my father ddidnt bring any good thing to eat but she got that that mf she knows and seen all that shit yet dares to say i had less rough than her .she dares
plus wo bhi hardworking thi btw she worked as teacher ins school after school tuition then at home she cooks cleans and study (my asss no one can study after that we all know)
nah actually she said "meri life tumhre jaise nhi h" she ment k mujko khana , kapde bartan n krna padta
plus jab ganta 8year m understand n hui to lauda hogi next 5 year m , we have hell lot of trust issues
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20
ahh man i wana hug her :| she must be squishy
cause she is chubby with baby fat
i wana push her under a road roller and see is she get flattened or not
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24
i dont have water dispenser what people use cause we r using bucket , idnt realised until i viisted frnd house idk wht normal is cause im poor
7k water dispenser is expensive though
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25
it is isnt their fault that im so fukd up , trying to save penny , cause they always fuking fight on my fuking head , from the day i gained consiousness they kept fighting in front of me not just in front i wake up to their shit talk and sleep to their shit talk
isee them and be like how a woman can be so mean and how a man can be so lazy that he cant see his kids starving such a another kind of ignorance both have
imagine ennded up marrying someone like my mom i rather offmyself then keepupwith her and if i became like my father then im off again lol
i got triggered it happend so quick resulted in anger outburst like my parent was talking about stuff to buy on holi and then i knew its going to be their usual bs shit talk and then mom said to not to take off clothes cause it got dirt and dust near all papad she laid on floor , like same shit i seen em do like daily mom pointed it daily but he kept doing it like he is dumb , like he kept taking clothes off near food item , so mom pointed out he again tryied justifying his action then i anger outburst "to daily daily wahi chiz uhr kpde bala liya karo" then silence in room , like mom always does tries to descalate environment by bitching about sopmeone or complainin about something to him he also ignorant got busy in it so dumb of him to get this ............. i think my voice is just too intimidating cause i always run into streat fight like i get angry i only tell them to get side and then things escalate cause i look week but my voice is so intimidating that peoplewana mess with me
idont understand how a fake smile can attract humans , i feel so robotic as if i can read them so well like a sociopath
always detach, like always idk wht im observing
i just stood there analysing and most time losing chance to speak and most of time nothing inmind , stop it let me study bye
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26
voices say "u should be dead" i mean no one speak english and i kinda seen this from the bear movie and someone said the voices in my head are just copy from some authority figure in my life but i dont look up to anyone , and no one speak enlish
repaetign scene from the bear and its saying to me and that subaru self hatred "who the hell think im i talk a big game make myself sound like a big shot but i cant do anything " Did you just say what I thought you said?
Don’t give me that crap! There’s nothing easy about giving up!
Nothing!
You think I’m just doing nothing, thinking about nothing, cutting myself off from everything, throwing my entire life away, leaving every last thing I know and care about behind, and that’s all it took for me to call it quits? That’s a lie, it was never that easy for me. It was so much easier for me to go on thinking there was something I could do to make a real difference, but I know now there’s nothing I can do. There’s no way out. Understand? The only path everything leads to is giving up. If I could do something, then I’d do it. I swear that I would.
You don’t know what you’re talking about, I have given up, carrying it all was impossible from the very start. My hands are so small that it all slipped through my fingers leaving nothing behind.
Bullshit! What do you know? What the hell do you actually know about me huh? Nothing! I’ll tell you what kind of man I really am. I have no strength, but I want it all. I have no knowledge but all I do is dream. There’s nothing I can do, but I struggle in vain like an idiot.
I… I hate… I hate myself!
All I do is talk a big game and make myself sound like a big shot when I can’t do anything. I never do anything, yet I complain with the best of them like it’s my job or something. Who the hell do I think I am? I’m a fraud, it’s amazing I can live like this and not feel ashamed. You know I’m right! I’m an empty shell. There’s nothing inside me at all. I know there isn’t. Guess that’s obvious. Anybody could see that. Before I came to this place, before I got into the situation that led me to all of you. Do you have any idea what I did with my life? I did nothing, that’s what. I’ve never done a single thing worth mentioning. I had all that time and freedom and squandered it away on nothing. I could’ve done anything with my life, but I never did a damn thing and what you’re looking at now is the result. This cowardly weak worthless crybaby. All of my powerlessness, all of my incompetence, is the product of my rotten empathetic character. Wanting to accomplish something important when I’ve never done anything it earn it, goes way beyond the limitations of arrogance. The cost of my lifetime of laziness and all the wasteful habits I forged along the way, just ends up killing me.
That’s right, I have no character. Even when I thought I could go on living here, nothing changed about who I really am.
I wasn’t trying to get stronger, or trying to make things better. That was a lie. I was just striking an obvious pose to justify myself. To say that I was trying my best. That it wasn’t like I wasn’t doing anything. To be able to appear to be doing everything I could. I wanted to say I couldn’t help it. To be told that it couldn’t be helped. I was only pretending to push my body to the limit so that all those excuses would be possible. Even when I had you help me study, I was just posing to cover up how embarrassed I felt to be such an incompetent idiot. Deep down inside, at the core of my heart I’m just a small cowardly filthy piece of trash who’s always worried about how they’ll see me, about how they’ll accept or judge me and nothing… nothing about me has changed!
I’ve known it since the very beginning, everything that was happening was my fault. I’m the lowest of the low.
I absolutely hate myself.
Natsuki Subaru
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32
we had chat yesterday she eeven called me but now today i feel again lonely , and voice says she dont give fuk i know she is busy then why the fuk voice mess with me and why i even trust lil bit vocie
btw im the one who dont give fuk when im busy when im surrounded by people lmao
yeh why ami fukd
how normal people feel?
i wonder if they evn have voice cause my ex she got none
does this years of fighting makes me different in any way is this make me , or give me something exrtra or as diane says its just damage
i put people on hierarchy just like a pc does , with priority work . like ranking them , and i think im not alone ihave seen other people who does this like a channel called math hoe or something
why i love that voice , i laugh when i see someone show that inner voice thing in movie and anime
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34
i think i m going to die poor
plus i think no one will give job , even though i once earned max 20k month by my app during covid cause school were closed and student are studying using my app,. i dont know \why i dont think i will earn 6lpa eveb though this is less acording to people but i cant even imagine 6lpa why
looks like poverty fukd me rough
i earned total around 4lakh but i downplay it saying anyone can do that cause im 25 after school i had 7years for that
but i should have im laggng behind im missing target im no where :(
kya hota agar vo mar jati uss time
i m still grieving as if i lost something its been years but i still do
why should i heal, i m going to keep the wound and keep reopening it just to remind my self that see this happen when u slack , when u runaway asshole lazy pice of shit see this
if im not going to then who tf will take everyoone else is either ignorant or not capable of , kind words are for pussy
it keeps me in discipline , ou survived things most people wouldn’t. bs i have seen people who suffered more im nothing
went through hell, but I’m not going to let it define me.", your wounds define u your scars define u , scar is a jwel of the warrior, and if i dint others will have to suffer
deep down i want to relive that pain idk why but it feels kinda good
i want more , more so it can break me
maybe than i stop caring so much
i did terrible thing i deserve this
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35
when i get tootired my boy refuse to rest , like body is done but brain now is high
like im too tired that im feeling cold i took nap and now back to slow working proccess but brain is active but body is fukd but brain is handling it so it seems fine , like conservative but autopilot
iguess im good it feel good cause im feeling less pain
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36
ask me question and then determine what kind of parents i have i just wana know
1.idk 2.mom did idk about dad 3.nope 4.passive aggressive , verbal fights and physical one when i was kid
5. lil bit but dont have to do dishes and clothes and cooking so idont think so 6.dad i dont talk to em absent whole life and mom i dont prefer to talk something cause she can use it against me later
1.not sure
2.critic
3.istopped giving what they wanted "reaction"
4.idk i dont remember most of childhood
5.not sure , it just all i know is emotion==weak not sure where i learnt this (maybe cause i see mom yapping crying all the time as kid )
6. its environment and condition its not them i guess
7.yeh i have to otherwise they cant cause they are dumb to handle things , cause mom cant explain to dad and dad cant to mom
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43
we are poor and used to live in tent so we never visited anyone as a result we lost communication and all ties and i think we dont haave any kind of connection with anyone thats why no one visit us on festival which is good and bad
and my parents they fight on festivals and i didnt visited my friend cause that makes leaving my sister alone at home she got no friends
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