i found my trigger point. trigger is when my father adds more work to me. assign more work to me. like abhi kya hua na k jaise his line jao khud se karlo ghr p karte kya ho.me while studying for college semester. task is to get house number for house visit to nagar nigam. and same he said when i said about the construction of house way back when sister was sick.
today argument so yaahi sab hua k khud se jao karwa lo number ka karte kya ho ghr p mai bola college k liye padh ra then he apne liye padh re and then me aise hi isne bola tha jao ghr banwa lo rashan le a lo cylinder le ao ghr p karte kya ho . kya se mera kam h. i repeated with each time with higher voice and more intense that its my work? is that my work. apne se college k fees diya then he apne liye kiye ho i got even more angry ........... i dont remmeber much but i repeated many times kya mera kam h ye sab . and also he said nanghai mat karo ............ and then he ankh dikha ra tha mom ko jab mom bich me ae rokne k liye to m hata diya mom ko or bola aah udhr kya dikha ra idhr dikha idhr so after that he left and everything back to ............ everyone doing their own work i said to mom ye sab tumse nhi hoga apna kam karo m dekh lunga . bp tumhara badh ra mera nhi. and actuallly yeh most of the time iwas so angry that my heart beating fast and what not this time i was calm as fuk and also kinda more in controll . even more in controll of emotions as welll . and the rumination after that lasted less compare to oldertime . rumination lasted to just few 2-3 hours thats it im normal completely now.
nah the trigger was more work and that he said i do nothing at home and invalidating my effort for college and also saying that i m going to college for my own good and m=his words ki maine college apne liye join kiya h and also that ki khud k paise se college kiya vo bhi koi ahsan nhi kiya h apne liye kiya h.
is there any long term benefit? or any benefit at all from this . argument. i stepped in cause uska iss month bohot natak chal ra tha hafte hafte ghr p khana nhi khana bahar khana then not able to pay the loan and also ankh dikhana to mom.
i think the abuse on mom is kinda umm going to stop now the dominance he was trying is no longer going to work i guess cause im here. and he get one thing clear that . usko laga k humlog mama k ghr p nhi h to shyd vo abb phir se head ban pae ghr ka ya phir se wahi sab kar pae but no i reminded that the alpha is here and he already lost the head of the house fight long ago when i beaten him long time ago and at our new house this is first conflict which sets boundaries that i will remain the alpha and his old fantasy to be the abuser will not work as the new alpha here and this time no one here to stop me if i beat him . not going to beat him but i want the fear in his head. and and this this conflict destroy his old illusion that already is fine and im not participating in conflict and saying anything so he kept going with his drama and but when i stepped in again his fantasy got destroyed he thought he going to act like head again abusing his power im not saying anything thats not gonna happen.
i was not calm btw it was clam inside not outside outside adrenal rush shaky body higher voice higher and higher and clear voice. but body was lil shaky but no fast heart beating . heart beat was normal and thats it lil rumination after that and lil head ache and body temp higher lil.
(old time reference) let me tell u one more thing he cried saying he can no longer can see sister pain when she was sick . but let me be very clear it was him him because she end up like that cause he wasted money on making basement instead of directly building ground floor which cost delay in shelter delay in college delay delay delay and u already know the series of events check memory
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