I left Rishi because, thanks to gpt and Sister, I can't think of consequences by myself why im so bad at it like as i have to ask u and Sis, as I have no knowledge of normal . sis is younger than me (5 year). and like i left rishi cause the consequences were really bad like it could have cause a lot mess and it would have resulted in starting from zero the reset like her parents could have fucked my clg and dayum i could have lost the only means to escape the mess but yet after months i again question myself why i left her as if im not scared of consequences almost like loosing touch with reality.
i cut myself from everyone after covid as i failed clg then mom got sick and then sis got sick and u know meeting means idk idk why i cut of and i think isolation did damage like missed opportunity which im not sure how im going to get even if i have talked to anyone i just think some sort of damage is done i just think idk . but working and being alone paid as i manage to horde money for clg not sure which path was better the alone or the social one.
can u tell how i reached here when i look back i think i was being lazy cause i havent achieved much. like in movies the poor kid is homeless and very poor but really good in studies and gets a scholarship, excels in class and whatnot. im nothing like that i barely made it here . i was always been a average kid .
how long how long before things gets to good or normal huh? how long how many years its been how many u tell
i see life as just full of pending task which needed to be completed but its kinda too much all i see is pending working irrespective what u ask . making friends pending task , making project , turning idea into project , getting gf , getting degree , getting job , get stability everythin everything learning to cook learning tech writting diary waking up everytihng everything is just pending task pile of pending tasks which need my attention thats it
btw i push my body to limit by keeping my self awake past the hours when i sleep and when i feel too tired i feel cold and brain active its very different kind of feeling like cold and idk
btw i noticed one thing no matter what and how much we try to fit in we never going to fit in we always going to be the same broken people we are always been
i imagine people in authority to be abusive towards me specifically . like the professor going to be mad at me going to insult me or beat me thats what my mind keeps thinking i dont see them as trust worthy or reliable or i guess i see what im saying that i in general dont consider adults around me as capable or idk reliable
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